I'm Too Awesome For This!
by Elemental Fantasy 13
Summary: Madeline, still recovering from a stomach virus, is forced to send out Gilbert for a few random items. All goes well until he gets to the bottom of the list. PruCan, short one-shot that hopefully prods your funnybone.
**Whazup! It has come to my attention that there are two rather humorous events circling the internet, detailing what happens when females dispatch a male to pick something up from the store. The two most popular seem to be a girlfriend sending out her boyfriend for makeup and a daughter sending her dad for more feminine items. Personally, I find them very funny. This, combined with a little two-window comic on Pintrest, triggered this little one-shot. (Link will be on AO3 because it's very difficult for me to get it on here.) I was going for amusing, let's see how I did. :P
**

 **Enjoy!**

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Gilbert stood in the middle of the isle, eyeing the shelves with a mixture of annoyance and dismay. Coming out to Walmart at ten at night wasn't his usual idea of fun. Neither was the 'mission' he'd been given. He loved his wife, really, but this was way too unawesome for him.

One of the many, many things that made Madeline awesome in his eyes was that she normally took care of these things on her own. She planned ahead, keeping supplies on hand at all times so Gilbert was spared missions such as these. That said, he understood she hadn't exactly planned on getting a 48-hour stomach virus. He'd been doing the best he could for both those days, making sure she had plenty of fluids and lots of chicken soup. Despite her few and far between protests, Madeline had been put on couch arrest, and she did seem to be getting better.

Gilbert had been eager to help, disliking the unawesomeness of being unable to do much. So when she'd sheepishly asked him to run to the store, he'd been happy to agree. That is until she gave him the short list. Most of the items were normal enough, just things she'd meant to get on her run to Walmart the day she'd gotten sick. Milk, eggs, bacon, bird seed, and Gatorade he could handle. They were all in the cart waiting patiently next to him. It was the last item he hadn't noticed until now.

He'd been uneasy, yes, but he had also thought, how hard could it be? Just pop down the isle, grab a package, and make for the checkout. Easy, right?

"Why is there so many?" he muttered, scowling at the shelves.

Madeline hadn't even been specific. She'd just written down 'pads'. That only ruled out half of the things! Gilbert admitted he was clueless when it came to girl stuff, but being able to differentiate between a pad and a tampon was as far as his knowledge went.

After a few solid minutes of staring, and deciding the right one wasn't going to obligingly fling itself into the buggy, Gilbert fished out his phone. The whole point of him coming was so Madeline could get more rest, but he wasn't about to ask anyone else. Honestly he was embarrassed to have to ask _her_.

He was glancing up and down the isle, making sure the few people in the store at this hour were out of earshot as Madeline picked up. "Hey."

" _Ja_ , um, what exactly did you need again? For that last thing?"

There was a pause as she thought about the list. "Um...just pads. Sorry, I meant to get some the other day, but...yeah."

Gilbert grimaced. "I guessed that much, Birdie. But can you be more specific? There's a lot here."

"Always."

"Always what?"

"That's the brand. You know, like the commercial?"

"They have commercials for this stuff?"

Madeline sighed. "Yes, Gil, they do. They have commercials for everything, remember?"

"Isn't that like having commercials for toilet paper? It's not like demand is ever going to run out."

"Focus," his wife urged.

Gilbert frowned a little. She'd been on the groggy side for the better part of two days, and while she'd been getting better, she sounded almost amused now. He thought about protesting, but reminded himself she was sick and if she was asking him to get this stuff, she probably really needed it.

"Right, Always. There's a lot of those too."

"Actually, you'll need to get two kinds. You see the bigger package, the purple one?"

"Uh...the one that says overnight. Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's it."

Gilbert reached out to grab it, but hesitated, squinting at a circle in the corner. "These things come in sizes?"

"Yes."

"So which one are you?"

Madeline sighed. "It's like clothing sizes, Gil."

"I don't know that either, Birdie." Deciding it might be a good idea to do a little damage control, he grinned and added, "I'm usually too busy appreciating what's in the clothes to think about what size they are."

"Just grab the mediums!"

Making a mental note to pick up some ice cream too, maybe some chocolate, Gilbert snagged the package and dumped it into the buggy. "Is that it?"

"No. Get some regular ones too." Apparently sensing him opening his mouth to ask, she added, "Same brand, same size, but not the overnight ones. They come in a box. Scented with wings."

"Wait, _was?_ "

"Scented with wings," Madeline repeated patiently.

"Pads have wings?"

"Yes."

"Like Red Bull?"

"No! They're flaps that come out on the sides. They...make sure it doesn't go anywhere, alright? Do you see the box?"

"Uh...is the box purple too?"

"I think so. It might be pink too, assuming they haven't changed anything."

Gilbert eyed the shelves, and was relieved when he spotted the box. "Found them," he said triumphantly, grabbing the box and tossing it in the buggy, glad to get it over with. "Anything else, Birdie?"

"I don't think so."

" _Gut_ , I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Gil?"

He paused. _"Ja?"_

"Thanks."

Gilbert cracked a smile. "Don't tell me you forgot, you married the Awesome me! If you did forget my awesomeness then I have been letting myself go."

Madeline sighed again. "Just buy the stuff and get out of there. And put the beer back."

He stopped halfway to the frozen section, staring into the buggy. "What beer?" he asked innocently.

"Put it back, Gil. We have plenty here. Unless there's a party I don't know about, we have enough for a week."

"But how did you know about the beer?"

"Because I know you. Now, if you want to retain your awesomeness, put the beer back, continue with getting me ice cream, and checkout."

It took a minute, but Gilbert laughed, hanging up. If she was well enough to do that, she was certainly feeling better. It was just a shame about the beer.

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